A Change In Plans for Thanksgiving

My mom sent me this. I laughed. Thought I'd share.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement.

When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.

I am thankful.

Friday Fill-Ins 11/20/09

1. We need to start a petition to get "The Christmas Shoes" banned from the airwaves.

2. I watched last night's episode of "30 Rock" today and it made me smile. Heck, it made me snort and guffaw as well.

3. If you want to know what I think of the whole Twilight saga, have a seat. You'll be here awhile (I'm not a fan).

4. I need redemption that only comes through Jesus Christ because I am a sinful creature.

5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think it should be higher, and it should be adopted nationwide.

6. Pajamas, the Macy's parade, my sister visiting and a leftover turkey sandwich make for a happy holiday.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to bed. Tomorrow my plans include helping the boys and Camryn straighten their rooms (I think I put something to that effect every week!), then keeping the babies in the nursery at church and Sunday, I want to maybe finish decorating the trees and have some hot tub time with the fam!

Friday Fill Ins 11/13/09

Happy Friday the 13th!

And here we go!

1. The last band I saw live was the Eagles. Awesome. Completely awesome. The last concert I went to was Taylor Swift, but technically, she's a singular artist performing with a band, so I didn't count her.

2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is staying in my PJs for as long as possible, watching the Macy's parade, eating dressing and cranberry sauce (the kind from the can is the best!) and having leftover turkey sandwiches on white bread (with mayo!)

3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is not done. It's started, but usually by this time I've gotten it all done. I'm way behind this year. I'm planning on doing most of the shopping online, so that'll help. I honestly wish I could press the pause button on Christmas for about 2 weeks. Not ready. Not ready at all!

4. Thoughts of how loud this stupid RC car that Quinn got for his birthday is fill my head. I don't think my mother-in-law thinks about us having to listen to this stuff when she buys these loud toys for the children (or, maybe she does, and she buys them with a smirk on her face. Who knows!) This one has obnoxious lights and loud music, and it's not helping my headache one bit.

5. I wish I could wear pajamas all day long, no matter where I go. Pajamas are the best.

6. Bagpipes remind me of my father-in-law's funeral. Someone played "Amazing Grace" on the bagpipes at his funeral. It was a cold January day and whenever I hear bagpipes, I get a chill and think of that cold, sad day.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to just sitting here and hoping this headache goes away. I also want to watch the episode of "Private Practice" I missed last night. Tomorrow my plans include helping the boys straighten their room, plus cleaning up my own office. It's a mess (I haven't been in there much at all this week! Busy, busy!) Sunday, I want to do some work on getting my office moved upstairs. It's driving me nuts that it hasn't been done yet.

Farm Livin' is the Life for Me!

Today I was straightening the playroom with Quinn and Lillian. Every time I help clean the playroom, my posterior region gets sore (it's all the bending over). Who knew cleaning the playroom would give you such a glute workout?

The last thing we did today was put together all the puzzles whose pieces had decided to scatter themselves about the room. When we were done, I stood up. I felt the butt workout when I did that.

Using my best deep Southern drawl I said, "I do believe mah boo-tay hurts. Oh, yes, my boo-tay hurts!"

Quinn said, "I know some people who talk like that!"

"Really? Who do you know who talks like that?"

At the same time, Quinn and Lillian yelled, "EMMA!"

I chuckled when Emma's name was mentioned, because they were right. Emma is the cutest little redhead you ever will meet. I love her and her sweet momma. They both have very cute Southern accents. Emma doesn't know it, but she's going to marry my Quinn one day (she's in his class).

That's another story for another day, though.

You know the reason Emma talks like that (according to Quinn)?

Because she lives on a farm.

HA!