All I Ever Have to Be

I'm struggling a bit lately. I can't exactly put into words what my struggle is; I just feel out of sorts, I guess. Something's up, but I can't put my finger on it. I wish I could plug myself into some machine that would diagnose the problem so it could be fixed. I guess it started when I threw the pity party for myself a few days ago. When I get down like that, it takes awhile for me to get back up.

I have to be so many things to so many people. I am the cook, the laundress, the maid, the chauffeur, the teacher, the handywoman, the appointment keeper, the shopper, the organizer, the family historian, the diaper changer... and so much more. Basically I am *the* person who makes sure this machine called "Our Life" runs smoothly. I feel like I'm hardly ever given that pat on the back I think I richly deserve, and that bites.

Sometimes I get so caught up in making sure everyone else is taken care of that I forget to take care of myself. I take such pains to make sure that everyone in this house is happy and content. I forget. I forget the person whom I'm ultimately here to please. I forget that God created me to make Him happy. I forget to be the person He created me to be, because I'm so busy trying to be who I think I should be instead.

I forget that He's up there cheering for me. He's patting me on the back. He sees what I do. He knows how hard I work. He gives me the strength to keep doing what I do day after day after day.

This is one of my favorite songs. I sang it to try out for the high school ensemble at my church. I love its simplicity, its brevity, its message. It reminds me that no one else matters. There is no one on this earth to be impressed. It's Him. HE matters.

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.
I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.
Who you are...
And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.
As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.

-----Amy Grant, "All I Ever Have to Be"