Daffodils are in bloom. Tree branches bear pink promises that spring is coming. The UPS man was wearing his brown shorts today.
Life is GOOD.
And not just because of the weather.
And not just because of the weather.
Last Thursday, while driving down the road in the pouring rain, I got a phone call.
It was the nurse from my gynecologist's office. She told me that my pap smear had come back as abnormal. I scheduled a colposcopy for April 7th (the soonest I could see my doctor) and hung up the phone.
I felt like crying as hard as it was raining, but I had to stay composed because Camryn was sitting beside me. I didn't want to alarm her.
I didn't want to alarm anyone, which is why this will be the first any of you have read of this. I just wanted to get through the test and know what I was facing before ringing anyone's alarms. I didn't even tell my mom. Or my sister. I guess I figured the fewer people that knew, the better I could pretend like it wasn't happening.
I was a wreck the night of the 11th. After the kids went to bed and I got a chance to talk to my husband alone, all I could do was cry. I got up last Friday and called my GYN's office and rescheduled the test. I didn't think I could wait until April 7th. It would've been torture.
Today was the day of the test. I have been pretty good all week, knowing that all was in the hands of my savior. None of my worrying could change the outcome, because I do not make the plans. God does. If the fear welled up, I swallowed, closed my eyes and prayed for peace. I tried to picture myself being soothed in the palm of God. He's got it all under control, so I just rested in that knowledge.
I lost it in the shower this morning, though. Heaving sobs. I just jumped way ahead in my mind and saw my children motherless. That was the end of my peace and calm. For about 5 minutes. Then I heard the phone ring and it jarred me, kind of like God saying, "HEY! I've got this. Stop your boo hooing. We'll walk this road together, because I love you. You are MY CHILD, and I won't leave you or forsake you. It's all good, k?"
I put my new fuzzy socks (with shea butter in them) into my purse so I could wear them at the doctor's office (I hate if my feet get cold in the stirrups... and I see you ladies out there nodding your heads. I know you know what I'm talkin' about!) and I headed out the door. My sweet husband went with me for moral support. And lunch. A man's gotta eat (no, not at the Gyn's office, sillies. At a restaurant. Afterwards. 'Cause while the kids are in school, might as well have a date with the wife, right?)
The worst part of the test was the vinegar that they put on my Cervix. Holy fire, that stuff burned. It was also awkward making polite conversation with a man who's shining a light up your hoo ha while your husband is in the room. On a positive note, the nice nurse warmed the speculum for me before handing it to the doctor. That's something I've never had done for me before, and LADIES... it made a difference. I shall request it from now on out. If it was customary to tip a nurse, I would've slipped her a $20 for sure.
But back to the test. It was probably the most uncomfortable procedure I've ever had done. But oh, how sweet the words the doctor uttered as the flames in my nether regions were dying out: "I do not see any abnormalities. I didn't see anything that needs to be biopsied."
Sweet Jesus. Thank you for answering my prayers.
I should've known it was going to be alright. I just should've known.
Today's entry in my daily devotion book says, "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." (Psalm 56:3, NLT) and the devotion that follows says, "How did Jesus endure the terror of the crucifixion? He went first to the Father with his fears. Do the same with yours. Don't avoid life's Gardens of Gethsemane. Enter them. Just don't enter them alone. And while there, be honest. Pounding the ground is permitted. Tears are allowed... And be specific. He knows what you need."
God can be trusted. He can. HE KNOWS WHAT I NEED. I'm so grateful for my God. I'm so thankful for good results today.
Today, there. is. sunshine.
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