My husband jokingly says I have the biggest "pair of noids" he's ever seen.
Case in point:
Saturday night my hubby and I saw Billy Joel in concert.
Tangent: Billy rocked the Bi Lo center. There was no opening act. It was just Billy and a piano and his band. He started with songs from the 70s and progressed chronologically. The crowd was great, and Billy just did his thing and made us all feel like he was sitting in our den playing the piano. It was a GREAT night. Imagine singing "Piano Man" to the original Piano Man along with about 30,000 people who no longer feel like strangers because you've just spent 2 hours with them, listening to the great Billy Joel. What a NIGHT!
(An aside to my sister and her friend Val: get thee to TicketMaster and secure tickets for the concert at the BJCC on 2/26. It's a night you won't forget!!)
So back to my story.
We sat down in our seats about 30 minutes before showtime. A single guy with beer and pizza in hand soon came and sat right in front my husband. No big deal.
I sent my husband to fetch me a pizza (I'd not eaten dinner yet.) While he was gone, the pizza/beer guy got up to leave, too (as he left I got a great glimpse of his buttcrack. He was wearing grey Hanes, by the way.) The guy hadn't yet touched his pizza.
Hubby came back. A yuppish couple came and took their seats right beside beer/pizza guy (I should probably call him crack dealer, 'cause I saw more of his quarter slot than I did his face that night...)
Yuppish guy knocked over crack guy's beer. He went and bought crack guy a new beer.
Crack guy came back. He drank the beer that Yuppish guy brought him. Then he got up and got another beer and drank that one.
This is where my paranoia started.
I suddenly realized that crack guy never touched his pizza. The beer didn't touch the pizza, so I wondered why he didn't eat it.
Also, crack guy was acting terribly strange. He kept bouncing his knee up and down like he was nervous, all the while darting his eyes around the arena. Crack guy never applauded, never acted like he was even into the concert. He didn't even turn his head toward the stage.
He drank a third beer, then left.
In my mind I swear to God I was thinking the pizza box contained a bomb.
When crack guy left halfway through the show, I was almost sweating. I just knew I was a goner. I (seriously!) thought crack guy was sent to plant the bomb and then he was going to remotely detonate it after he got up and left.
See? I told you I'm paranoid. Go ahead. Roll your eyes. I know. It's an illness.
But one day I'll be a hero, and you'll be clamoring to say you know me when they interview you on the Today show.
Just promise me you'll brush your teeth and take the curlers outta your hair before you go on camera. And don't use the word "ain't" please.
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