Useful

"Happiness comes from the capacity to
feel deeply,
to enjoy simply,
to think freely,
to risk life,
to be needed."
-Storm Jameson

Your assignment is simple. Take all or part of this quote, and let it inspire you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gulp.

I saw this challenge, and I immediately felt like I was hitting a wall. I have no trouble sharing about FACTS, but when it comes to exposing my FEELINGS, I am a clam with a deadbolt lock on its shell.

I know how I feel, but expressing what I'm feeling is hard. It's rare that my husband and I fight, but when we do, I usually explain my side to him via email. It's easier that way, and I can actually erase a thought before he hears it. Sometimes I just furiously and feverishly type out all the words I want to yell at him, and then I feel better. I click "delete" and the thoughts aren't there anymore, on the screen nor in my head. He's none the wiser.

Eh, I'm rambling.

So, feeling deeply. Enjoying simply. Thinking freely. Risking life. Being needed. Hmmm.... (Insert the sound of fingers tapping here... drumming in hopes that they'll bring about the perfect thoughts to share...)

You know, I think I've partially lost my capacity to feel deeply. I am affected by things, sure, and there are many times in life when I'm moved to tears by things, events, stories. Yet I seem to be unaffected by so many things that I think I should feel more deeply than I do. I seem to have grown a callous on my heart in some areas. I've been aware of it for some time now. I know that my hardened heart is going to require softening, and I fear what God might do to bring back my tender heart. I wonder what kind of refining fire is in my future.

Okay, moving on...

Enjoying simply. I've got this part down. I am a simple girl. Heh. My husband would roll his eyes at that comment, because he thinks I'm super complicated, but I see myself as a simple person. It doesn't take much to make me happy.

I'm not a fancy girl. I buy my clothes and jewelry at Target. I love the Dollar Store. Pizza and an evening spent in meaningful conversation with my husband is my idea of a great date. If pajamas were acceptable daywear, I'd be the best dressed person out there. I love me some pajamas.

I like living simply (and by simply, I mean cheaply!) I was recently joking with my mom that when I die I want my tombstone to say, "I used a coupon to buy my casket!" I don't like owing money to anyone, and I'm not a frivolous spender. I'm not a tightwad, either, but I like things simple.

(On a funny side note: when I looked up "simple" at Thesaurus.com, it returned 103 synonyms. How's that for simple?!?)

I had to look up "freely" at Thesaurus.com as well. I have trouble wrapping my head around phrases and words sometimes, no matter how straightforward they seem. I rely on the dictionary and thesaurus a lot.

So, what exactly does "think freely" mean? I tend to search for synonyms to help me understand words. I pick apart phrases to get a clearer view explanation.

Thus, I can tell you that "freely" is defined as "unrestricted". Other explications are candidly, frankly, openly, plainly, unreservedly, unchallenged, without restraint, without hindrance, and without reserve.

Goodgooglymoogly. I am a free thinker. I can't be a free thinker! I'm a conservative Republican!

I've always thought of someone who defines themself as a "free thinker" to be somewhat liberal. I dunno why. But there it is. I do tend to think candidly, frankly, openly, plainly, unreservedly, unchallenged, without restraint, without hindrance and without reserve. I don't let social norms confine my thought patterns...or do I?

I know for sure that I am not a free speaker. I think freely. Sometimes too freely. I type freely. I don't shrink from sharing my opinions through written word, but I have an oh, so difficult time telling people orally what I think. The written word is just so less likely to cause a fracas. I hate dealing with confrontation in person or even over the phone. I wish I could be better at that. I just get all twisted up inside and then, heaven forbid, I start to get teary and choky and **gasp** I start to CRY. I can be more composed and sensical when I write things down. I'm not such a GIRL when I can confront people in a written manner.

What's left? Risking life. Again I have to consult Mr. Webster.

Interesting. All definitions of the word "risk" also include the word "loss". Does risk have to involve loss? I don't know, but I do know that I'm not much of a risk taker. I find solace in the mundane. I'm spotaneous in certain situations, but it's a restrained spontaniety. How's that for an oxymoron? Tempered free-spiritedness. Controlled impulsiveness. That's me.

So, back to the original quote. I guess I need to answer the question it seems to pose.

Am I happy?

Yes. I'm happy. I think that my greatest source of happiness lies in the author's last line "to be needed". To know that I am needed brings me great joy.

I meet the needs of people every day. I meet my husband's needs, my kids' needs, friends' needs and strangers' needs. Someone always needs me. I find joy in being needed. It keeps me from thinking only of myself.

Being needed reminds me of a line from a hymn.

"Here am I, send me Lord;
Here am I, send me Lord:
Make my life useful to Thee."
Make my life useful to Thee.

As long as I'm useful to God, I'm happy.