See Spot Pull His Hair Out

I love Target. I really love Target.

I love that you could pick up a gallon of milk, a birthday present for a kid you've never met (but to whose party your son is invited because he's in your kid's 3K class an his mom needs to meet the minimum head count at Chuck E Cheese...), a bra, and a vacuum cleaner, all under the same roof.

But I swear to you, on the tallest stack of Bibles I could ever find, I will not-

-I repeat-

I WILL NOT

Step foot inside a Target store ever again if all four of my children are with me.

Shoot me if I do.

Heavenly day.

I picked Camryn up from a sleepover party. She was grumpy (nothing new there) because I would not let one of her friends come along with us.

Do I look nuts? Four kids at Target is temporary insanity. Five is suicide.

So before we even reached the store I had Moody Dwarf giving me the crossed arms coupled with the evil eye. Dangerous combo, that one.

Aiden and Quinn had pooled their spending money so they could buy one thing together at Target. Aiden had his heart set on something in the Star Wars Lego category. He had $10 and Quinn had $3, but together they could get something bigger.

Yeah. You know how that's going to turn out, right?

I had a long list of things to buy, and I warned Aiden that the toy department might be the last thing on my list. He said, "Okay." No fussing. Just, "Okay".

Yeah. You know how that's going to turn out, right?

So first we hit the dollar spot, where I stopped to talk to a neighbor. Aiden and Camryn started running around (the other two, thankfully, were in the buggy...) I hate that. I HATE IT when my kids act like that while I'm distracted.

I stopped chatting with the neighbor and looked up to see my 8 year-old daughter staring at me wearing these hideous shamrock sunglasses.

I had to laugh. I lost all leverage as soon as I did, too.

("Mommy didn't punish us for running around. Ha. She laughed. I'm a GENIUS, Aiden. GENIUS! I can rock a pair of shamrock sunglasses. That's some lucky stuff there, man.")

Take the parking break off, Mildred, 'cause it's all downhill from there.

Dora underwear. Check.

("Mommy? When are we going to the toy department??")

Belt for Camryn. Check.

("Mooommy? When are we going to the toooooy department??")

Bra for Camryn. Check. (Yeah. I said bra. Can you believe it? She'll be nine on the 7th. NINE.)

("MOMMMMMMMMEEEEEE! When are we going to the toy department??")

In the middle of girls' unmentionables, Quinn says, "MOMMY! I gotta go pee!"

Quinn's like E.F. Hutton. When he mentions PEE, you LISTEN.

We dropped everything and took him to the potty. Just.in.time.

("MOMMMMMMMMEEEEEE! Mommeeeeeee! MOMMY! Is the toy department next?")

New tennis shoes for Quinn. Check.

("Why does Quinn need new shoes?? THIS.IS.NOT.THE.TOY.DEPARTMENT!")

Easter sandals for Camryn. Check. (NO YOU CANNOT WEAR THEM AROUND THE STORE. I don't care if you have a blister. That's why I tell you to wear SOCKS, precious thing.)

("MOMMMMMMMMEEEEEE! I see the toy department!!")

As soon as we saw the toys, Camryn tried to bribe the boys into splitting their cash with her so they could each get a toy. There's a brilliant lawyer in there, I tell you.

I should skip the entire toy department visit. You know how that went if you've ever tried to get a child to find something they want to buy that's within their budget. Disaster.

"NO. You cannot get that Imperial Destroyer. What the freak? NO WAY. That thing is $100 and it has over 1300 pieces! Holy mother of pearl. I'm not crazy. No. NOOOOO! I said no. NO. You only have $13. NO! I will not chip in the rest. NO! A thousand times no."

"Aiden., stop crying. Aiden, sweetheart. No, it doesn't mean I don't love you just because I won't bring home 1300+ Legos that might someday, with any luck and a year of no vacuuming, form a Star Wars ship. And quit taking advice from your sister about using guilt to twist my arm. It won't work."

The boys finally settled on a tube of plastic dinosaurs and a sand mill (Aiden), some bubbles and another sand mill (Quinn).

I swear. I need the Nobel prize for that. That was the Camp Target Accords, I tell you.

I thought it would get better, but pretty soon Aiden started asking for something to drink.

Repeatedly.

Like, three times a minute.

I thought his head was going to explode.

I thought my head was going to explode.

I want my mommy.