Wipe On, Wipe Off

Early last week the doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a HUGE box on my porch. I eyed it suspiciously. It bore my husband's name and was from a company whose name I didn't recognize. I couldn't imagine what kind of ginormous new gadget he'd ordered, but I wasn't about to tamper with the box just in case it was a gift for little ole me.

As if.

'Twas no gift for me. It was for him. In fact, I would never have ordered such a thing. Only my strange husband would.

He's been talking about it for years. When we did the electrical walk through for our house, he asked the electrician to install an outlet specifically for this item in anticipation of its purchase. You can imagine the strange look my husband got from the electrician. Well, maybe not yet, because I haven't told you where said outlet was placed.

Ready?

Beside the toilet. The john. The crapper. The porcelain pony.

My husband's new "toy"?

A Takagi T-F100.

Don't know what that is?

Let me enlighten you.

It's a toilet seat.

Yeah. You read that right. A toilet seat that costs about as much as the rent on our first apartment.

Choking yet?

Join the club.

Here's a picture (Don't worry. I wouldn't subject you to pictures of our actual model. That's just a little too personal, y'all).



Clicking on the picture will give you an enlarged version. Just in case you want to see this thing BIGGER. Ha.

It has some nice features, I'll admit, but I just can't get used to seeing it on my toilet. Every time I go for a pee I feel like I'm sitting on the can in the Space Shuttle. Freaky.



After I settle myself, a little fan starts up, and although it is a soft sound, it always scares me (Hey! You could say it scares the CRAP out of me sometimes! How's that for funny?!?!) After the fan starts, I always expect to hear the voice of Hal from 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Hello, Beth. What is your business with us today? Would you like me to read you the day's news headlines? How about a beverage?"

Strange, strange, strange.

I'm about over my husband asking me if I've used the cleanse feature yet. I've never had someone inquire so often about my bathroom habits. I'm still getting used to my toilet seat having buttons on it, for goodness sakes. I don't know when (or if) I'll ever want the thing squirting my you know what with water, thankyouverymuch. I am not a fan of wet crack (and with that, I feel I've shared WAAAAAAAY too much personal information... as if I hadn't already...)

I can say this about the seat: it might come in handy if stuff comes out the other end. Yak, flush, get a sip of water.

Sorry. It just popped into my head. It sounds like something Mr. Bean would do, no?